for You

Oh hi You-

Now I'm healed, well, almost. I mean, for the most part. Enough so that when thoughts of you float into my drifting mind, I don't lash out in visceral anger, pain or grief. Just a gentle twinge of disappointment...in You. No, thoughts of You are now more like a vague reminiscence, a nostalgic trail of fuzzy moments. 

(It should be noted that music is a different situation entirely. There are still certain songs and/or artists I hear that manage to both stab and flip my guts.)

For some time now, I've wanted to drop You an email saying...something. The words just haven't formed right in my over-analytical mind. So I didn't. I would say something when i knew what to say.

And then it was You (it's always You) who broke the three month void and popped up on instant message. You. Boo. Yet I wasn't spooked. Taken aback, sure, but I wasn't rattled like I had been three months ago. Look at me. I'm growing.

You: Too long

Me: I know

You: You suck

Me: Shut up. Actually, my phone was stolen a month ago, along with your number.

You: Oh

Me: I thought of emailing. Didn't know what to say

You: How about (insert inside joke here)

Me: Considered it

[Brief and vague "how are you" and "what's up:]

You: So do people there hate me?

Me: Yeah, pretty much

You: Why is that? Why didn't you defend me?

Me: How would I even do that? Why would I?

You: It's all how you present it

Me: All I had to say was that you went and got yourself a girlfriend and that was that

You: See? How you presented it

Me: You hurt me. People don't like to see me hurt. It's simple.

You: Oh. Right

Me: And I didn't go into detail because it hurt too much. What's done is done

You: Yeah I guess

Me: Can I ask an honest question?

You: Sure

Me: Do you think of me? Not in some deep or profound way. Just from time to time, "hmmm. Ava."

You: Of course

Me: Ok

You: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No. Not really

You: Why not?

Me: Because I'm terrified of commitment

You: Weird

Me: You are

Overall, I felt strong, confident and unflustered. Oh, and I didn't feel like I had to puke ONCE! Success! I was honest and unapologetic. 

I handle confrontation best when it's just words. Black and white. Bold and clear. 

To throw this back to a Sex and the City episode, it is akin to when Carrie sees Aidan again in the episode "Ghost Town." The idea is that everywhere you go after a breakup, or after the relationship dies, you are haunted by moments shared with someone you once loved. Me? For the longest time I couldn't walk a certain two block distance on Clark Street without feeling like I was having the emotional shit kicked out of me by unique memories of You. Thanks.

What Carrie explains in this episode is that when you actually see your ghost, you need to "confront, accept and release." 

And that, my long lost love, is what I did with You. 

I confronted You and said what I needed to. I did not back down.

I accept that it is what it is. We are where we are now.

And I release everything I've been holding onto all this time.

I can't shake the feeling You will be some kind of presence in my life (to most of my friends disappointment and collective shaking of heads). We'll see.

But for now, I miss You and I think of You. 

Until we speak again...

Older and wiser-

ava

Take it away Duffy: