an open letter:VH1

Dear VH1.
Wow. Where do I even begin? (Breath). Your Sunday night line-up has pretty much changed my life.There. I said it.
From 7:00-11:00 Central Time, I am mesmerized, delighted, in awe and happy. Oh so happy. Chicago winters are tough on me, VH1. They’re cold, harsh, bleak and depressing as fuck. But for 3 hours during the week, I am transported to amazing places and experience pure joy.

First, you bring me “Confessions of a Teen Idol” hosted by the ALWAYS relevant Scott Baio. Former teen idols are brought in to live together and have another shot at fame. These idols are Jeremy Jackson (Baywatch), Chris Atkins (The Blue Lagoon), Jamie Walters (90210 Original), Billy Hufsey (TV’s Fame), Adrian Zmed (TJ Hooker), Eric Nies (the first Real World) and David Chokachi (Baywatch). In each episode, the Idols go to group therapy to face the demons of their former fame and 

demise. 

Hottie boom botties from back in the dizzay

Next, a challenge is presented. Previous episodes include making over their image, auditioning for a commercial, putting on a show for children and auctioning themselves off for charity. All brilliant. They even had to sit and listen as a control group of women, their former target audiences saw the “then” and “now” of each guy and give their honest reactions to them. Not pretty in most cases. At some point in each episode, there is always one guy who can’t handle the pressure of the situation any longer and threatens to leave the show. 

And then comes Baio Ex Machina. Where would ANYONE be without El Baiocito? With a little help from his friend Wayne from The Wonder Years, they help talk whoever isin crisis mode. Ooooohhhhh Baaiiooooooo.

What is truly remarkable about this show is that it isn’t competitive. No one is getting kicked off if they don’t have the best makeover or don’t’ do a good job at the audition. These guys really support and care about want to see each guy succeed. 

Baiolicious

(Cue: awwwwww). It’s actually refreshing to see people act compassionate instead of turning into cutthroat maniacs. (Cue: Next two hours of programming).

At this point, VH1, I’m feeling good, feeling hopeful and already anticipating next week’s soul-searching with former idols. And then comes "Rock of Love Bus With Bret Michaels."

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus Lying in a Manger I love this show beyond most things I’ve encountered in my life (via TV). It all goes back to last fucking miserable winter. My roommate LOVED this show and I just didn’t understand. “Bret Michaels? REALLY?!” I would ponder. 

Bret, you're my hero

My brain just couldn’t get a grasp of this complex question, so I didn’t tune in. And then one day, my curiosity and depression got the best of me and like any good drug, I was hooked. Although the “Bret Michaels? REALLY?!” still plagues me from time to time, I soon realized it’s not about him per se, but the rather the CRazY beyotchs who fight, fuck and drink for this “Rock of Loooooooove.” This show has captivated my brain cells (as in, I have less of them now) and my soul (as in, surely I sold it to the Devil for loving this show so much)

that I have decided to commit a WEEK, yes Loves, a week to all thing Rock of Love. You. Are. WELCOME!

And so, I must wrap up hour 2, VH1 by saying, goddamnit this show has NEVER disappointed me. My jaw always drops, I’m always screaming/laughing (scraughing, if you will) with joy. You just need to know VH1 that Bret and his hos NEVER disappoint. EVER. Amen.
Klassy Ladies

And for the final hour of your fine Sunday shows: "Tool Academy." Vh1, this is reality TV. Period. This is th

e pinnacle. The tops. Years and years of reality competition shows have led to this gem of a miracle of an answer to a prayer of a diamond in a rough. Someone was under the influence of something mystical when they came up with this one.
Here it is, those of ye unsaved by the majesty of this show. THE POWER OF TOOL COMPELLS YOU!

Toooooooooooolssssssss!

Dudes arrive to a show they believe is “Mr. Awesome.” Immediately there is yelling, stripping, grunting, hair spiking, lotioning abs and madness as these men-children prepare to perform for a group of screaming women. They. Are. PUMPED. Meanwhile…their girlfriends (GFs from here on out) watch all of this go down in another room. They witness their boyfriends’ parade in front of, kiss, flirt and grind up on other women. Oh yeah.
The host, some dude with a smug voice, brings the men together after the show. And in walk the GFs. Jaws drop. Eyes lower. “Oh my God”muttered. GFs glare. Oh yeah.
Dudes are informed they are not, in fact, competing to be Mr. Awesome. Nay. Their GFs have enlisted them in the Tool Academy. HUZZAH! Dudes must go through sets of challenges such as Communication, Fidelity, Humility, Maturity, and Bravery, to name a few, in order to become reformed and worthy boyfriends. Oh yeah.
Now, when an Asshole is kicked is expelled from the Tool Academy, the GF has the option of either staying with the loser or leaving his ass. Oh yeah.
The winning couple receives $100,000, chump change in reality show terms as of late but the golden ticket jackpot here. Shit. I’d taken it.
In this moment, I have decided that I will devote a separate entry or two to Le Tool Academy and all it’s glory for there are so many specific moments I must address and simply throwing them in now will not do you justice, VH1.

Congratulations and thank you, VH1. Every week, I look forward to spending my Sundays with you. During these dark days of winter, you fill me with hope and wonder. What else can I say? 

You do good work, son.

All my love and Real Talk-
La Ava