heart anatomy

Song lyrics are funny things, aren't they? A song is playing one moment, surrounding you with melodic sound, and the next moment, you hear each and every word and it stops you. My recent obsession with Pandora Radio led me to the song “Breakable” by Ingrid Michaelson.

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

Which led me the lyrics of one of my favorite songs,"Nothing Better” by the Postal Service. (lo siento, I could not find an official video to this song. If you don't own it, do yourself a solid and GET IT NOW.)

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you’re deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply
Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

I love the idea of what our hearts are anatomically. It’s just a muscle. It circulates our blood. Our ribcage protects our heart as well as our lungs, which give us breath.
I love the idea of breath. I think it’s the best way to remind ourselves that we’re living. Each moment, is a breath.
(Strange fact: I can no longer eat meat off of ribs. One day, I visualized their anatomical placement and what their actual function is. Ava does not eat ribs, folks.)

What’s strange about the science of these parts of our body, our hearts and our lungs, is how much they mean emotionally and poetically. I have had moments that have taken my breath away. I have missed someone so much my heart ached. The fusion of our anatomy and our emotions is rather spectacular.
Humans, we’re funny things, aren’t we?

you ask, i tell

My friend James recently asked me to write a little summin summin about the following topic:

Why is it difficult to meet and mate in the city? What is the female perspective?

All right, James, here is what lil’ol’ Ava thinks. I believe that the city is the most powerful influence in this equation. We’re all in this urban jungle trying to survive. I love the city. I can’t imagine living in a place like the small Midwestern town for whence I came. But I’m not gonna lie and say it’s easy to live here. There’s a price you pay for living in a place surrounded by 2.8 million people. Shit, trying to get from point A to point B on le CTA can drive a sane person insane and the insane…well, they live on the 22 bus and/or the Red Line.

But I digress. My point is that most of us young people who move to a city whenever we can make a break for it are looking for some kind of excitement and adventure. To get married, buy a house in the hometown, and pop out some babies A.S.A.P. is N.O.T. an option. There is more out there and we want it, goddamnit!

This is where I’d like to address The City from the lens of a female. I never saw myself as a “career oriented” woman. Sure, I had different ambitions and ideas of what my career would be. But really, I’m a “blowin in the wind” kinda gal. When I moved to the city, however, suddenly, I’m in a job with a slew of possibilities. I have this “when opportunity knocks, grab it by the balls” mindset. I’m gonna get shit did. I feel empowered, intelligent and strong. This work life along with a group of fabulous gal pals and a social life, as well as being sure to make room for Ava Alone time begs the question: WHO HAS TIME FOR A BOYFRIEND? Whoa, Nelly! Let’s back this rant up to the topic of Finding a Guy.

A personal anecdote: When I first moved to Chicago, I was in a four year relationship. Less than six months after this move, the relationship was over. This has been called, “the most mutual of mutual breakups” and after a significant amount of time, my ex and I are friends. I mean, the breakup sucked, I did drop 10 pounds and felt a bit lost for a bit, but it was for the best. And thus, Single Ava was born (and there was much rejoicing). And I must be honest here. I love me single. I’m good at it. I’ve got this shit DOWN, ok? And the whole being free to be a skank isn’t even part of it (although occasional vacations to Shameless Ho Ville have been known to happen. Ooops.) I love that I am totally free to do what I need to do. I don’t answer to anyone. I love this. I enjoy nothing more than spending the entire day alone (especially in the summer) speaking only to someone when I need to order coffee or food. It’s cleansing. I savor this. Then again, that’s just me. I’m sure James would like to hear more of an all-womankind answer. Here it is. I’ll make it simple for the male reader out there.

CITY GIRLS=STRONG. INDEPENDENT.

We know what we want, when we want it, where we want it from and what to wear while we get it. And if we don’t, we fake it. Can’t tell? Of course you can’t. We're good.

I don’t have the track record with men like Galatea does. I’ve dated some fun guys. But I am usually left disappointed and disillusioned. Enter a girl’s best friends Bitter, Jaded, Cynical and Pint (Ice cream. Then beer.) God only knows why men treat us the way we do. On the other hand, maybe She doesn’t…Anyhow, I don’t have time to go into these theories. It makes me tired at this point. Suffice it to say, a lot of us girls have been treated like shit by a lot of you guys. This is truth. And I do NOT need to hear “but girls do it to guys too!” Suck it. I’m writing this. I’m no math whiz, but I believe this best represents the situation:

Guys hurting girls > Girls hurting guys

A+ Ava AND a gold star. You so smart. Based on this equation, we can deduce that at some point girls breakdown and then build up their walls. Not letting someone in becomes the game, and we have to be good at it. How many times can we put ourselves together again after someone either dents us with disappointment or causes us to crumble to the ground because they’ve broken our heart before we are no longer the girl we once were? Sometimes blocking the male species is soley for self-preservation. And we deserve that. If we don’t treat ourselves right, who will? Better yet, I’ll quote RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how the HELL you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” Amen my mista sista.

Here it is, what I think it all boils down to.
We’re all getting over the last person.
We’re all a little lonely.

We’re all trying our best (except assholes and skankfaces. They suck at life).

But I like to think that sometimes, the stars align and two people are completely in the right place at the right time.
And then the spark happens…
Ha.

What? A girl can fantasize, can’t she?

I hope that helped, James! I hope people out there in Internets-land keep the conversation going.

Keepin It Real Cuz That's What Real Do-
La Ava

for You

Oh hi You-

Now I'm healed, well, almost. I mean, for the most part. Enough so that when thoughts of you float into my drifting mind, I don't lash out in visceral anger, pain or grief. Just a gentle twinge of disappointment...in You. No, thoughts of You are now more like a vague reminiscence, a nostalgic trail of fuzzy moments. 

(It should be noted that music is a different situation entirely. There are still certain songs and/or artists I hear that manage to both stab and flip my guts.)

For some time now, I've wanted to drop You an email saying...something. The words just haven't formed right in my over-analytical mind. So I didn't. I would say something when i knew what to say.

And then it was You (it's always You) who broke the three month void and popped up on instant message. You. Boo. Yet I wasn't spooked. Taken aback, sure, but I wasn't rattled like I had been three months ago. Look at me. I'm growing.

You: Too long

Me: I know

You: You suck

Me: Shut up. Actually, my phone was stolen a month ago, along with your number.

You: Oh

Me: I thought of emailing. Didn't know what to say

You: How about (insert inside joke here)

Me: Considered it

[Brief and vague "how are you" and "what's up:]

You: So do people there hate me?

Me: Yeah, pretty much

You: Why is that? Why didn't you defend me?

Me: How would I even do that? Why would I?

You: It's all how you present it

Me: All I had to say was that you went and got yourself a girlfriend and that was that

You: See? How you presented it

Me: You hurt me. People don't like to see me hurt. It's simple.

You: Oh. Right

Me: And I didn't go into detail because it hurt too much. What's done is done

You: Yeah I guess

Me: Can I ask an honest question?

You: Sure

Me: Do you think of me? Not in some deep or profound way. Just from time to time, "hmmm. Ava."

You: Of course

Me: Ok

You: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No. Not really

You: Why not?

Me: Because I'm terrified of commitment

You: Weird

Me: You are

Overall, I felt strong, confident and unflustered. Oh, and I didn't feel like I had to puke ONCE! Success! I was honest and unapologetic. 

I handle confrontation best when it's just words. Black and white. Bold and clear. 

To throw this back to a Sex and the City episode, it is akin to when Carrie sees Aidan again in the episode "Ghost Town." The idea is that everywhere you go after a breakup, or after the relationship dies, you are haunted by moments shared with someone you once loved. Me? For the longest time I couldn't walk a certain two block distance on Clark Street without feeling like I was having the emotional shit kicked out of me by unique memories of You. Thanks.

What Carrie explains in this episode is that when you actually see your ghost, you need to "confront, accept and release." 

And that, my long lost love, is what I did with You. 

I confronted You and said what I needed to. I did not back down.

I accept that it is what it is. We are where we are now.

And I release everything I've been holding onto all this time.

I can't shake the feeling You will be some kind of presence in my life (to most of my friends disappointment and collective shaking of heads). We'll see.

But for now, I miss You and I think of You. 

Until we speak again...

Older and wiser-

ava

Take it away Duffy:

no, i did not abandon ya'll

Hi there Puppies.

I feel awful for abandoning you in the abyss of the internets.
I suppose the sheer magnitude of my last entry left me speechless…or not. So, what have I been up to? What have I been amused by? Quite frankly, not much.Here’s the thing. This winter will not end. It just won’t. At this point, it’s about survival. You see, there are a few things that happen to a person over the course of a winter in trying to cope with the plummeting temperatures and serotonin levels.

1) Get your drink on. Here in the Chi, we don’t mess around when it comes to drinking. It is really a coping mechanism, a way to escape and have a crazy fun time. For example, Valentines weekend should have been renamed, “Bitter Bender Weekend.” This involves going out Friday, even though you really didn’t intend to. This kind of night typically has a beginning, middle and an ending of destruction. Saturday was Valentines Day. Oh joy. Drinking necessary. Sunday had been in the works for weeks as a day drinking extravaganza with my friend Faith. We’re talking roughly 12 hours of drinking all around Chicago. Yes, I am a little champion. And let me introduce you to the Bearfight. Slam an Irish Carbomb and chase it a jagerbomb. However, we chased with a cherrybomb. Fucks ya up! Needless to say, I think my liver is STILL recovering. Poor thing.

2) Hibernation. After the bender subsides, curling up on the couch for hours and hours on end is all one can really handle, or afford. For the past few weekends, I have made the couch my own little island. Bad TV, great movies, internet surfing, meals and occasional naps all go down here. This, my children, is what Seasonal Affective Disorder looks like.

3) Overanalyzing my own life by watching relevant episodes of Sex and the City. Self-explanatory.

And so, it is day in and day out, trying to survive until the first thaw. I hope all of you are finding ways to survive the never-ending winter.

Lots of love and sunshine-
Ava-licious