Question: Why do 83% of ladies who are just about my age have diamond rings in platinum settings on THAT finger?
Answer: Duh, Ava. That's what most people your age DO in their mid-20s, is probably your response.
Well...bite me. And you MIGHT be right. Maybe. Probably. Yeah. Right?
I realize it's "spring" (which I say with much trepidation because I feel like I haven't seen real sun, because tanning beds don't count, in almost a week) and people get engaged around this time of year...right? Does that explain why the rings are so shiny? I don't know these things. OBVIOUSLY.
I don't want to say that I'm panicking but I have been thinking a lot about my lack of relationship status which inevitably leads me to the question, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!" Why can't I just let myself fall into a relationship? What am I holding onto with this whole single gal thing? Well, to be truthful, I love my life. I am very fulfilled with work, friends, projects, alone time, etc. I just don't see how I would fit someone into what I've got going on because at some point, you do have to let some of these freedoms go in order to be in a true partnership with someone else. And THAT I'm not ready to do.
Am I selfish? Yes.
Am I asking a lot of questions right now? Yes. Just trying to figure all of this out.
I've been subtly aware of these thoughts for some time, but it wasn't until a recent visit from my parents that the self-doubt began to swirl in my mind with more vigor. After a lovely walk, my parents and I sat down outside of Bobtail Ice Cream taking in the passers-by and gearing up for our ice cream purchases. Across the street from us was a VERY attractive dude walking his adorably large chocolate lab. I mean, you could tell this guy was hot from a distance. Now, it should be noted that we were in a neighborhood which Galatea and I consider a gray area in terms of sexual orientation of attractive guys. We're only a few blocks away from Lincoln Park (known for young hot straight yuppies) and Lakeview/Boystown (known for young hot gays). You just can NEVER TELL on Broadway.
So, my mom spots the Hottie With Dog (HWD) and was like, "how about HIM, Ava?"
I reply, "Ma. He kinda looks gay. I dunno. Maybe he's not. Damn. He's hot."
Dad: "You should talk to him. Find out."
Me: "DAD! I dunnoooooooooooo. Ugh."
Mom: "He's cute! AND he has a dog! Come on!"
Dad: "Yeah, Ave. Oh, here he comes."
Me: Slightly panicked and in AWE of this dude's hotness, trying not to drool, like his dog, I reach out and his doggie comes over for a pet. Such a sweet doggie.
HWD: "He likes you!"
Me: (Swooning inside). Yeah! Look at him! Awwwww. What's his name?"
There is now a flurry of conversation about the dog, with my parents occasionally chiming in, but the HWD really seems to be chatting us up. Very friendly. To me, a classic gay trait. BUT, a classic FLIRT trait. I'm lost. And, I can't REALLY get my game on with my parents sitting next
to me on a bench. I mean, come on.
And so, HWD walks away to enjoy the rest of his day, with his dog, without me. Le sigh. I usher my family into Bobtail so I can eat my feelings. It tastes like chocolate swirled with slight disappointment, sprinkled with longing.
My dad, always ready with a one-liner that is hilarious but really fucks with your head states, "I guess I'm just going to DIE alone without grandkids!" Awesome.
And then it hits me. My parents are really freaked out that I'm not in a relationship. I make no sense to them in this regard. They support me in all the things I do, even if they don't understand it, but this is probably difficult for them to grasp. When my mom was my age, she had been married for 3 years and had one year old. I don't this is what my parents expected of me at this point but I bet they would like to see I'm on my way to a relationship of some kind.
Of course this is something I'm GOING to want. But I don't think I'll be able to settle for anything until I feel that pull in my gut, that all consuming giddyness and blindness that makes you feel like you're 15. And that's the best I can do.
Thanks for listening-
lady ava
