For several months now, I have savored my single gal status. As a matter of fact, I fiercely defended it. Ok, maybe I held very strong feelings for someone who could seemingly not return the favor as I do deserve more, and who did not live in the same city. That made maintaining my single stature easy.
Why do I love my singleness so much? Well, for me it’s not a matter of whoring around and such. (Although random makeouts rock, right?) No, my single power comes from being alone and doing whatever I want whenever I want. Since I was a little girl playing Barbies in the basement, I have never really had a problem with being alone. My mind and the activities that I enjoy keep me plenty occupied. As an adult, (and I use the term loosely) I have discovered that this alone time is what re-charges me, centers me and keeps me sane. That isn’t to say that loneliness doesn’t occasionally set in and really sting, but it’s in those almost scary moments of loneliness that I seem to embrace and find some kind of strength. Hey, it’s what I tell myself and it helps. I’m really not a social butterfly although I do thrive when receiving attention.
Oh yeah. I'm a full on contradiction. Now comes the conflict.
How long can I really maintain this single/alone lady thing? What’s it going to take for me to compromise my alone time and my agenda? How much will I have to really compromise? Who will want to put up with all of this (read: ME)?!
The past month has been a bit brutal for me. At some point, I threw up my hands and the white flag saying, “I CAN’T TO THIS ALONE ANYMORE! I WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME, DAMNIT!” As I stated in my previous post, I have recently discovered that I am not really alone. I have an abundance of support and love, which constantly stuns and delights me. But I think I am coming to realize that perhaps I desire another kind of support. The kind that mostly a (gulp) “boyfriend” provides.
I might be a bit lightheaded after writing that last sentence and using the word boyfriend. Huh.
Well, maybe I am ok on my own. No need to rush anything. I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok.
1 comment:
IT is quite a contradiction when you love being alone but hate not having someone with you at all times. Even though I'm in a relationship I understand you because I remember being where you are and I also remember how you were (cough mike cough) and how I am now. I just hope that one you find you male companion that you find away to be alone time Ashley too.
ps I totally loved playing barbies alone in the basement myself. :-)
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