An Open Letter: To the Guys Who Want to Date My Friends

From: The desk of Ava.

To: The dudes who wish to date my friends. There is a right and a wrong way to go about this. So pay attention. There will be a quiz, you shady motherfuckers.

1. We haven’t met, but I know ALL.ABOUT.YOU.

It’s a fact. You know this. I know this. It’s science. When a girl meets a guy she’s into and temporarily swept away by in those hazy first days of lust, she gushes to her friends. I do not have the data to confirm whether guys do this. Me thinks not. All of the sweet, precious and minuscule moments you two share are then recounted to me, with open ears and heart. “He sounds great!” “Like, he really gets you.” “That was sweet of him!” “He must be thinking about you all the time.” And so on. We’re already sizing you up, my friend. Things are looking promising. In the words of Ru Paul, or my family and friends when I myself begin dating someone, “Don’t fuck it up.”

2. Don’t say to her, “I’m not going anywhere.”

This one should perhaps be more of a side-note because its placement isn’t necessarily in the correct chronological order here, but it deserves mentioning. The two of you may have begun discussion on what you are looking for in a relationship, where this relationship is going and blah blah more use of the R-word. But let me tell you something, when it gets to my little ears that you have told my dear friend, “I’m not going anywhere,” my response is either, “I’ll never meet this nice young man” or, “this will only end in tears.” Unless you are The One, you probably will never get to numbers four through seven on this little list. But if you fail and number three, you’re screwed and therefore, spice these words to you’re liking because you’ll be eating them. Hard.

3. When we do meet, kiss my ass.

Not to sound conceited or full of myself, but if you’ve been hanging around mi amiga numero uno, you’ve probably heard a fair share about yours truly. Finally, the conditions are ripe for us to meet. It’s a momentous occasion. All parties are nervous. I mean, at least you should be. We’re introduced. So far, so good. In an ideal meeting, we have an opportunity to chit-chat and get to know each other. Even more ideal, alcohol is involved to loosen things up a bit. I might be able to get in a few little questions such as, “what are your intentions?” or, “So-and-so is really great, isn’t she?” Yes, these are questions that a family member, like a father, would typically ask. But for us single gals, we are a family and must take care of each other. Because if we don’t, who will? But I digress. This is about you, meeting ME.

Our first introduction has gone smoothly, and chances are, we will be seeing quite a bit of each other in future social situations. At this time, it would be VERY WISE TO CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION WITH ME. Wait, for you to ACKNOWLEDGE MY PRESENCE. Failing to do these simple standards of social conduct will put you on my bad side. And yes, it is as bad as it sounds.

4. If you hurt her, you’re hurting me.

So, you managed to kamikaze your way through number three. Congratulations, you will probably continue to do more harm than good from here on out. Let’s buckle in for the ride. I’m sure you will continue to find ways to “fuck it up.” And brother, when you start fucking with my friend, all bets are off. As I have mentioned, you are already on my bad side. Each time you

a) Bail on my friend

b) Manipulate her in any way

c) Have her complaining about the latest fuck-up of yours using

1. Gchat

2. Text

3. Phone

4. Dinner conversation

I AM GOING TO HATE YOU EVEN MORE AND TELL HER TO END IT WITH YOU.

5. It’s too late to kiss my ass, dumbass.

If you are still around at this point, like a case of herpes that just won’t go away, congratulations, you’ve really found a way to stick around and continue to mess with my friend’s life. And since you’re still around, you have now figured out that I’m a Big Deal and should be sucked up to. Well, buster, tough shit. I can see through your intentions and find them dishonorable. Go away.

6. We probably shouldn’t co-exist.

I might be cordial and jovial to your face but nothing would give me more pleasure than to deliver a swift kick to your balls, express, from me to you. Just know that. I’m playing nice.

7. Break it off and MOVE.THE.FUCK.ON. And let her do the same so she can find someone better.

For the sake of the sanity for everyone involved, please. There. I asked nicely.

It’s been a real slice,

Ava

PS: Damn it feels good to be back.