Ambien Haze

In the midst of an Ambien haze, as I toss and turn, between mostly awake and not enough asleep, I have an epiphany: "I'm not girlfriend material!" Holy crap. Is it as simple as that? Have I become so fiercely single and free that not only do I freak MYSELF out about potential relationships, but I also freak out the other party? Could it indeed be a matter of "it's not them, it's me?"

Ok, I'm no shrink so I don't know exactly how I'm going to make sense of this or what the appropriate pscyhobabble is, but here is what I've come to realize since the chillly weather has set in.

Sometimes the fiercely single girl, in reality, wants some comfort and piece of mind in curling up next to a reliable guy at the end of a gray day or a wretched week. Sometimes it's better to stay in than go out. Sometimes it's nice to know someone is thinking of you as much as you are thinking of them. Sometimes the thrill is simply in learning a history of a person during chats until 4:00am. And then somewhere down the line creating a history of inside jokes and stories between the two of you. Sometimes the single girl tosses and turns in her Ambien haze thinking, "yeah. That's what I want. That's what I need. Where is it?"

She drifts to sleep putting sweet, content dreams in her head.

But the morning comes, as it always does, and so does reality. She gets ready to face the day, alone. She realizes that, perhpas, she may have been romanticizing this dream relationship scenario. "How could two people even make all that happen?" she wonders as she waits for the train while a cold wind bites her face.

Then waiting in line for vice number one, coffee, she thinks that maybe she's selfish. "That kind of MUTUAL arrangement takes, what's that word again? Oh. COMPROMISE."

As her mind drifts from her work, she angrily returns to her original thinking. "It's not ME! It's THEM. Them. What could possibly be wrong with me? I'm sure I have a lot to offer. Yeah! Assholes."

Then on her bus ride home, to her shelter from the storm, she sees a couple. The girl leans in and the guy quietly kisses her on the top of her hairline. The single girl melts a SINGLE drop. "Yeah. That." She wistfully thinks. "As simple as that."

Maybe the truth is, psychobabble aside, it's been a long-ass time since I've felt that way about anyones, so fully and completely as to totally overhaul my anti-relationship self without knowing that I've done so. Perhaps I've become jaded. And not necessarily by being burned buy guys, but by simply enjoying pure freedom in singlehood. I honestly think I should now be put in the "relationship challenged" category. I would have no idea where to being. It's like riding a bike, right? But more like jumping off of a cliff, no? Crap. Either way, it's terrifying, I suspect. But listen, i think the fact that I am now ENTERTAINING the idea of the R-word (that's "relationship" for those of you not paying attention) is a big deal. Maybe I'm not as un-girlfriendly as my sleep aide would have me believe. Go Me.

Trying to sleep well,

Ava